Fluff

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
- Douglas Adams
There is no doubt that the first requirement for a composer is to be dead.
- Arthur Honegger
Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
- Blake Clark
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
- Oscar Wilde
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
- Kin Hubbard
Journalism largely consists of saying 'Lord Jones is Dead' to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.
- GK Chesterton
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
- Farmers' Almanac
Living in a vacuum sucks.
- Adrienne E. Gusoff
There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
- Robert Orben
Lying in bed would be an altogether perfect and supreme experience if only one had a colored pencil long enough to draw on the ceiling.
-G.K. Chesterton
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
- Samuel Goldwyn
How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?
- Charles De Gaulle
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
- Dave Barry
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
- Fred Allen
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
- Woody Allen
Careful. We don't want to learn from this.
- Bill Watterson
I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.
- Stephen Hawking
If someone wants a sheep, then that means that he exists.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself.
- Peter da Silva
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- Peter De Vries
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.
- George Bernard Shaw
Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.
- Douglas Adams
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
- Robert Benchley
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
- Dave Barry
The murals in restaurants are on par with the food in museums.
- Peter De Vries
I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.
- James Thurber
I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.
- Oscar Wilde
I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.
- John Cleese
If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me
- Jimmy Buffett
Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything.
- Herb Caen
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
- National Lampoon
Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.
- Anonymous
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
- Larry Gelbart
It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can't speak for my twin sister.
- Abigail Van Buren
Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's 'St. Matthew's Passion' on a ukulele.
- Bagdikian's Observation
The world is my lobster.
- Henry J. Tillman
Wing!! Nice to see you again! I'd like to give you a going away present. First, you do your part......
- Jnc :P
As I grow older, I regret to say that a detestable habit of thinking seems to be getting a hold of me.
- H. Rider Haggard
Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.
- Niels Bohr
I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.
- Michael Crichton
Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.
- Gerald R. Ford
We're not lost. We're locationally challenged.
- John M. Ford
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
In Mexico we have a word for sushi: Bait.
- Jose Simon
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
- Herbert Henry Asquith
Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes.
- Edgard Varese
Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?
- James Thurber
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
- Solomon Short
Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk.
- Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
- Douglas Adams
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and he'll eat for weeks!
- Takayuki Ikkaku, Arisa Hosaka and Toshihiro Kawabata
Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.
- Nora Ephron
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?
- Ronnie Shakes
As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something.
- Hagar the Horrible
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
- Douglas Adams
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
- AH Weiler
I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.
- Zach Braff
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
- George Burns
Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
- John Russell
In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything.
- Jeffery F. Chamberlain
You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.
- Stanislaw J. Lec
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
- W. Somerset Maugham
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.
- WC Fields
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
- Oscar Levant
When someone tells you something defies description, you can be pretty sure he's going to have a go at it anyway.
- Clyde B. Aster
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
- Mike Myers
Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays.
- Oscar Wilde
We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know.
- WH Auden
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
- Tommy Cooper
Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of.
- Douglas Adams
I am a deeply superficial person.
- Andy Warhol
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
- Jack Handy
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch.
- Orson Welles
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
- Douglas Adams
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.
- Cullen Hightower
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
- John C. Dvorak
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of whom are absent.
- Robert Copeland
I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.
- Fran Lebowitz
The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time.
- Willie Tyler
Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows.
- David T. Wolf
Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off.
- Ellen DeGeneres